|There is so much more than this story that I feel almost the
same as when I look at a photo of myself:
It feels strange. I do not fit on a photograph. It is a window
to Myself, but the whole thing goes beyond words.
This is my story, yet it is only one of possible pasts.
First, I would like to clarify what 'awakening' means to me
in this context.
An awakened state is a state of total freedom, Love and unlimited
possibilities. It is to do whatever you want to do and be whatever
you want to be. There, you are able to make absolutely free
choices and define (or not define) yourself however you choose.
The process of getting from a not awakened state to an awakened
state is 'awakening'.
I often use the term 'ascension' to describe the same thing,
if only with slight changes of perspective: 'awakening' implies
clarity, and 'ascension' implies a feeling of upward movement.
It is interesting to see how our perception changes.
My perception of the world and myself is much different now
than when I was a boy. Nowadays it is much more fluid - it can
be changed, shaped and molded.
When I was a boy, the world was pretty strict; there were things
that were impossible or simply could not be done, and these
things did not even enter my awareness.
I thought the world was separate from me and I could only influence
it on the physical level, everything else was 'dream' and 'fiction'
I had good moods and I had bad moods. I didn't really know
why or how they happen, although the world felt different around
A lot of things were tiring, very tiring.
The thought, the feeling - the reality - of not being able to
do things I want, not to be able to influence them was exhausting,
and I did not mind a state of escape now and then, just not
to think about it.
But, as I considered myself a shapeshifter fire mage warrior
spirit, simply giving up was out of question. I would either
be victorious or fall down trying. I would fight to my last
ounce of willpower.
I decided 'going away' is not an option if I would use it as
a means to escape.
If I would decide to die, I would make that decision at the
height of my freedom when my will is True - not in any way before
I wanted to be Loved.
I wanted to be Loved badly, although it was hard to know what
'being Loved' means anyway. But it was a feeling and I wanted
someone to Love me, understand me, justify my existence, solve
all the problems of this world and lift me upwards so I could
allow myself to be happy and exist in unending Joy.
It did not happen.
I loved (with what was my not-very-well-formulated idea of
'Love' at that time) and was 'rejected', time and again. Rejection
came in many different forms; rejection was whatever I interpreted
No one could understand or Love me the way I would want them
In retrospect, my feelings of love were much closer to what
I now call leeching or energetic vampirism than unconditional
Love. Love is a state from within; no one could give me that.
Even if I were not rejected, the same thing that happens with
a lot of people would happen with me:
The persons get 'attached' to each other, become a 'blob', and
leech each other as long as they have any energy left. When
the energy is gone, the 'blob' breaks apart (quite aggressively).
After the individuals build up a little energy, a little power,
a little joy in life: they start the process anew, not realizing
that there's something wrong with their relationships.
As it turned out, I saved myself plenty of time on the emotional
level, but I had to walk the hell of loneliness instead.
I was even a bit masochistic; semi-consciously I fell in love,
time and again, only to experience the feeling after rejection:
Tearing myself apart and building myself anew.
I had Freedom and true Love in those moments, but the moments
were fleeting and I had no other way evoke them; I fell in love,
just so I could have another try at explaining love (and Love)
and have a few seconds of bliss, after the weeks or months of
the deep hell of emotional need and attachment.
Obviously, this was not a very economic way to achieve the
freedom and Love that I wanted, but I had a lot of opportunities
for self-examination this way - and that was extremely important.
Some time later, I learned about a thing called 'astral projection'
or 'OBE' (Out of Body Experiences).
Right now, because of today's different speed and frequency;
the Internet and the deeper self-awareness among a significant
mass of people, the concept of 'astral projection' may seem
outdated to most of you who read this.
However, at that time, it was a big thing for me. Hey, it takes
the concept of 'falling in love' to a whole new level! I could
visit the people I want them to love me and finally, they would
love me! Great!
Of course, it didn't work the way I expected it to.
It was in about that time when 'New Age' and other spiritually
oriented books began to see print in Hungary. Going to Hungary
and visiting all the bookstores was a bonanza of information
to me. Each time, I bought a lot of books and read pretty much
every one of them.
(By the way, I was very happy when I invented the phrase:
"I AM!". A little later I found that everyone was
As computer technology improved, BBSs (Bulletin Board Systems)
appeared throughout the world and our country as well. Forums,
articles, books - plenty of information.
A few years later the first Internet Service Providers appeared
in our region, access to the web, Usenet news, email and mailing
lists. I remember salvaging every minute of Internet access
because it was quite expensive for me.
Besides astral projection and lucid dreaming, I was interested
in everything like 'seeing auras' or 'telepathy' - stuff that
most people termed 'supernatural'.
Later, when I got to know myself better, there was a moment
I looked around and it hit me: I CAN indeed see auras and I
AM indeed telepathic!
Colors do not project on my visual nerves nor do other's thoughts
appear on the back of my eyelids, but these words are the easiest
way to describe the experience; a thorough understanding and
Oneness that flows.
There were books I learned much from:
The books I learned most from are Frank Herbert's "Dune"
series and Robert Anson Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange
To put it simply, "Dune" taught me magic and
"Stranger in a Strange Land" showed me how Love feels.
I even used these books as some people use the Bible:
If I had a problem, I would open one of the books at a seemingly
random place and the answer to my problem would lie there.
"Uproot your questions from their ground and the dangling
roots will be seen. More questions!"
- Mentat Zensufi, Dune
There was a time in my life when I had serious questions.
For example: "How can one form of life be chosen another?"
This was a question that led to many, many more issues.
To live, I have to eat the meat of animals. Even if I do not
eat meat, I have to eat plants. Even if I do not eat at all,
my body has to kill millions of bacteria to maintain itself
in balance. And at all, what gave me the authority to command
the cells of my body to do my bidding?! How can my free will
be chosen over another? Should every other will be chosen over
The monks in the east who try not to squash a bug or hurt a
single living being are wrong: if they truly want to avoid any
destruction to other living beings from their part, they should
kill themselves and cease to exist.
Life is change and to live is to kill - and that was only the
tip of the iceberg.
It may seem silly and that's how a lot of people answer these
questions: they don't think about it. They stagnate in status
Failure to answer these questions to my satisfaction often
resulted in a state of disbalance which resulted in sickness.
I knew all life is change and I knew the final answer "I
AM!", but I had trouble connecting to it, to view it from
all perspectives so it could answer all my derivative questions.
I needed a way to resolve all conflict.
I wanted to find a way that makes all ways possible, a basic
attitude using which everything is possible and no wrong can
be done. I wanted perfection, but as I knew perfection is mutable
and based on desires and choices, I wanted a perfect approach
I can base a life upon and realize all the Love I want.
Often, when I felt I figured everything out, an aspect of some
question kicked me in the side and put me again out of balance.
There was one dream I often had around that time. It was a nightmare
actually, but it became one of my favorite dreams:
I am being chased and I am running, running all the way. They
are gaining on me! My steps are sluggish; my stride gets slower
and slower although I do not wish it.
When they almost get me, I find myself in a village I recognize
as mine. The -whoever- that has chased me is forgotten.
I walk around the village and I find that the whole village,
all my family and all my friends are slain. I become very sad.
Suddenly, the chasers come back in much greater force! I am
surrounded and I can go only one way: a very high cliff that
looks down on an unending chasm. I look back, I see they are
gaining on me and I have no other choice but to jump.
This is the part of the dream that gets reiterated many times:
I am falling. I want to see if I could learn to fly before
I hit the ground.
If I do not fly away in time, my body hits the ground and hurts
very badly - I die. If I do not wake up from the pain of the
impact, I am standing again at the cliff again, preparing to
As an interesting fact: Because I played a lot of computer
games, sometimes in the 'corner of the screen' of the dream
there was an indicator showing how many 'lives' I have left.
Often I was not successful, but sometimes I managed to learn
to fly in time and then I proceeded to dream happier dreams.
Over time I grew better and better, I could regain a hightened
state, a balance in a matter of months, weeks, days, hours,
seconds - moving beyond that changes one's perception of time;
linear time especially.
A friend of mine remarked once: "That's not fair! You
have rigged it so you could have an answer for everything!"
Exactly that was the point.
Sometimes I call this my "Grand Unification Theory";
only because physicists still haven't officially found it.
After many qualms and facing another heap of fears, I decided
to abandon my studies at the university in Budapest.
I had to face a lot of my existential fears to do that, not
to mention almost everyone's disbelief and 'good advice' to
lead a life of security.
It is an illusion; there is no such as security.
After everything I have gone through, I have made a decision:
Living a life that is not my own is not worth living.
I had no intention of wasting another five or six years only
so I could waste the rest of my life afterwards.
I introduced a strong guideline into my life; some people find
If I get hit by a car and die tomorrow, will I be satisfied
with the life I have lived today?
In my opinion, one of the worst things that could happen to
me is grow old and realize the moment before I die that I have
wasted my whole life with stuff that offered me no joy, no fulfillment,
and no Love.
I had more pressing business to do than to study for exams in
a school system that I found very stupid: namely, to save the
That is, save the world to a degree I want it to.
It lasted quite a while: I have furnished the wisdom of my
findings into a little book called "Ascension How-to",
whose form and essence go beyond being a collection of words.
Basically, I wrote "Ascension How-to" to help the
reader connect "I am" with "I AM".
After I wrote the book and put it on the Internet, I felt a
relief, an elation: I have given everyone who wishes to attain
greater awareness a proven, effective way to do it.
As far as I'm concerned, I have saved the world. I can die
Still, I decided to stick around for a while.
I would like to share with you another dream I had. This dream
was the most fearsome experience in my life. I had this dream
several times until it finally resolved. After that, I regarded
it as one of my favorite and most educative dreams I've ever
Recall all the scenes in horror and war movies about torture:
If you decide that you want to read further, you do so at your
I am taking you with me.
I am lying on this table, unable to move. They are doing all
the most painful things that can be done to a physical body:
things like poking a needle into my eye, cutting and mutilating
me, igniting exactly those nerve centers which cause the most
damage and pain.
I do not faint -I cannot faint- and I'm forced to endure it
After a while, when my nerves have burned out, they begin the
removal of my organs and other major body parts; one part at
a time. I feel every incision removing a piece of me. I endure
the physical pain, but the mental anguish is far worse.
Cutting, taking out, removing.
The incisions continue on all parts I have ever considered
to be myself. They are removing all the essential parts of myself
beyond a physical body.
The fear and pain are the greatest.
I decide that I will not take this anymore; I want to die.
I feel slipping away.
And I cannot die! I try harder and harder, but they are too
strong and they won't let me! They won't let me die!
The fear and pain are even greater.
I look down on my endlessly mutilated body and it hits me:
All that is left of my body is the upper part of shoulders,
my tortured neck and the lower part of my head.
How can they do this to me?! How is it possible to keep a consciousness
imprisoned in this chunk of disfunctional and lifeless remainder
of flesh! Let me die! I want to die!
Usually at this point I woke up sweating and shaking.
The remembrance of such fear, of such inability - I could not
deal with it even with my waking consciousness. If I managed
to forget about, I felt a little better, but I knew in the back
of my mind I can't keep going on like this; I have to find a
way to resolve this.
The thought of this dream and all it stands for shadowed me.
The final time I had this dream, I resolved it.
I thought 'What the hell?' and I let go. All the fear, all
the horrible things I tried to keep away, I embraced.
I paid attention to exactly what, where and how they are doing
to me. I traced back all the fearsome strings of energy they
manipulated me with, all the way. I accepted the flow and flowed
back into to harmonize it with Love.
All the things did, I did.
I was afraid no more.
I resurrected/created the structure and organization I saw
as my Lightbody, and from there on I manifested the resurrection
of my physical body. No longer could any mutilating incisions
harm me, because it was integrated into the flow.
Dark energies flow in my veins.
Polarity integration complete.
The 'they' that tortured became of Light; they were part of
me. I was being congratulated by different aspects of myself.
This experience resembled the experience of the main character
at the end of "Neon Genesis Evangelion".
I woke up feeling pretty good about myself.
Appendix I: On characters and SoulHacking
In computer games I use different character names to represent
me in the game. Over time, I've got used to see these characters
as different parts of myself:
Dawn Ardent - my female Goddess counterpart.
SoulHacker - the one which hacks souls.
Asuka - furious, young, female and redheaded.
Aeria Gloris - it means Heavenly Glory and it is similar in
form to the Holy Spirit.
There are also a lot of other characters I pick up or invent
on the fly.
From the name 'SoulHacker' I have devised the term 'SoulHacking'.
I would like to explain what I mean under this term.
As you have seen, being Loved and being allowed to Love was
and is essential to me.
It is great disbalance too me if my flow stops.
Rejection is hurtful, but the truly hurtful thing is the decision
to remain unable to connect. It's like chopping yourself into
pieces and flushing these parts of you down the toilet, one
I disregard the idea of ownership completely. No one owns anything,
Let me repeat that: you do not have ownership over yourself.
By choice and definition, anyone has as much 'right' to be 'you'
as you do.
I own nothing, yet the world is me.
There is no privacy. There is nothing to hide. The illusion
of privacy may be maintained for the sake of politeness and
communication, buy deep down, there is no privacy and there
is no ownership.
'SoulHacking' refers to the process of abolishing the Absolute
Terror Field that keeps people apart and gaining access to each
It is an outreach to places of elemental forces.
It is the removal of the yucky things stuck on the ego, it
is the tearing down of walls of defense systems. In a fearful
state, it can seem like the removal of the ego itself. What
could possibly be scarier than that?!
Can it be misused? The answer is 'yes'.
You may do all the shit you do to yourself - on a bigger scale.
The key is Responsibility - responsibility to Yourself.
Appendix II: A note on Polyamory.
I'm pretty much unable to have any 'normal' relationships,
especially within the boundaries of serial monogamy. (Serial
monogamy is when you may love only one person at a time and
if you do happen to get to love someone else, you have to abandon
loving the person you have loved so far.)
For me, it boils down to this: "Do not tell me I am not
allowed to Love!"
All is I, and if I do not Love MYSELF, I am not.
This is an experience that physical death does not even come
In my opinion, honesty and communication (not need or security)
should be the basis of relationships.
That's about it. ^_^
In conclusion, I would like to share one of my favorite quotes:
The universe is just there; that's the only way a Fedaykin
can view it and remain the master of his senses. The universe
neither threatens nor promises. It holds things beyond our sway:
the fall of a meteor, the eruption of a spiceblow, growing old
and dying. These are the realities of this universe and they
must be faced regardless of how you feel about them. You cannot
fend off such realities with words. They will come at you in
their own wordless way and then, then you will So understand
what is meant by "life and death." Understanding this,
you will be filled with joy.
- Muad'Dib to his Fedaykin, Dune